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December 07, 2005

Memories lost and found again

Sissy sparks a memory, one I hadn't expected to be thinking of for a few months.

This coming February marks 12 years since my father passed away. I will officially have lived half my life without him.

There is nothing harder than losing a parent, no matter what age you are. Most likely the only thing that rivals it is losing a child. Neither one would I wish on anyone, even OBL or Saddam.

You go through these waves of pain. One moment you're fine, not thinking about him at all, then the next, a whiff of cologne or a flash of color will remind you, and the pain comes back, fresh. The world around you stops for a second, and you fall into a memory. Your body keeps moving, you continue interacting with the world, but it's autopilot. Your brain isn't there.

So you wade through life, from moment to moment, waiting for the next memory of helplessness or joy. In the back of your mind is always that question of "when." Not if, when. Because it's guaranteed to happen. There will be a face in the crowd, or a voice, or even just a bit of hair that reminds you of him. No matter how well you've dealt with it, completed your mourning, it's never really over. You never get over it, and you never will.

I was 12. Precocious, overly mature, and suddenly having to grow up a hell of a lot faster. Dad was an older father, having been married twice before, with four sons. I was the first daughter. His little girl. Princess. When he was home, I made every effort to hang around him. He was much more gentle with my hair, patient enough to work out the tangles without ripping my scalp. He rarely raised his voice, but disciplined well.

He was 60.

Melanoma. There were reasons and screwups for why they caught it at the late stage they did, but I can't talk about that. I wish I could. Maybe someday.

He was diagnosed during the summer of 93. I was at CTY (Center for Talented Youth - geek camp) for the first time, and they didn't tell me until that fall, when he had to go back in for more surgeries. All fall he was in and out. We spent Thanksgiving in the hospital with him while he was recovering from another round of chemo and radiation. Always sick, but never frail.

February 7th, 1994, 5:00 am.

RIP.

Posted by Kat at December 7, 2005 12:14 PM

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Posted by: Sissy Willis at December 7, 2005 02:07 PM

Posted by: SciVille at December 7, 2005 03:32 PM

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